there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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