I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
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You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
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i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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