I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
