i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
