I faked an abortion last night.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
