mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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