so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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