Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
