I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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