Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize