I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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