I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
You can't special order awesome
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
