I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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