we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
