i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
