i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
