Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
handjob tips. give me some.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
