Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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