If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
