i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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