Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
