My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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