someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
