I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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