my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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