And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
tonight lets celebrate not being married
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
