I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Randomize
