Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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