When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
did i just pee glitter
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