ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
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Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
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I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize