I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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