I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
