you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
