Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
