Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
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