I got chris browned last night
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
