I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
