My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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