i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
