Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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