so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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