May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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