Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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