If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
