Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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