So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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