hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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