mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
