When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
