if you like me you must not know who I am
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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