Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
