your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Randomize
