Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
