Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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